My Wish List for Public Education

My wish list for inclusion into public education:

There is a myth floating around our society that the above skills are inherent, innate, built into our genetic code. It is true that they come naturally to us—“naturally” being whatever was modeled for us growing up. In other words, we learned how to treat our partners, our children, our family members, friends, co-workers, ad naseum, by how we were treated by our primary caregivers, and how we saw them treating each other.  What is built into our genetic code is what has happened in generation upon generation in our families, and beyond that, the collective cultures they exist in. This is one of the reasons our focus this year on children who witness abuse is so very important.

Some of us may know we don’t want to do things the way our parents did. But then who do we look to? Maybe we are lucky enough to have had an aunt and uncle, a couple at our church, or neighbors who exemplify an equitable, respectful and joyful relationship. On the other hand, many of us are just floundering around wondering:  What does intimacy look like? What is a “healthy” relationship and how do I go about creating one?

For many of us, this means unlearning what we have spent years learning, an education that began even before our first conscious memories.  As the Child Counselor at Sojourner House, this is one of my goals with my clients and their parents.  One tool I use is called modeling, which is basically leading by example. Modeling works because child do what we do, not what we tell them to do. However, being aware of the example set must be embraced by parents as well, since children spend the majority of their time with their primary caregivers and other family members.

Most of my clients arrive at our doorstep because things have gotten to an unmanageable place, which is typically when anyone seeks counseling. Similarly, the perception exists out there (in the invisible but heavy force of our social constructs) that people attend parenting class because there is a… “problem”. (Hush, hush, don’t talk about it).

I’d like to challenge the notion that counseling, parenting classes, and other education about communication and relationships is sought out when there is a “problem”. Instead, let’s engage in therapy and education to grow as people, to be better partners and parents and to teach our children something different from what we were taught. There is no shame in acknowledging that we don’t know something because we never had a good teacher. It is courageous to question, to say “I don’t know” and to seek that knowledge. It is the beginning of wisdom.

Breaking the silence about our struggles as parents and partners is as necessary as breaking our silence about abuse if we hope to change the landscape of our children’s lives. It is a sacred act that drives shame out of its dark hole into an obliterating light.

Here are some books to start with. For parenting, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

For relationships & communication: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix Ph.D.