Break the Silence in our Faith Communities

by Kenneth Bryant Jr.

When was the last time your pastor… or rabbi… or priest… or imam… stood up and said, “It’s time we talked about domestic violence”? I’ll give you a moment to reflect on that question...

*queue Jeopardy theme-music*

Was that enough time? If you can’t remember, you aren’t at all alone. We know domestic violence is happening among church parishioners, and folks who attend synagogues and mosques. The silence is deafening. We know it’s seen in our homes too, and the ripple effects in our communities of faith are devastating.

Communities of faith are being rocked by domestic violence every day. Studies reveal that secular rates of violence mirror that of those in religious households, which means about 25 percent are affected by abuse. In her book, What Women Wish Pastors Knew, Denise George writes, "Spouse abuse shocks us. We just cannot believe that a church deacon or member goes home after worship and beats his wife." And according to George (wife of theologian Timothy George) men justify their violence by citing biblical passages.

In activities at the Men’s Initiative, holding discussion groups with men of faith in houses of worship across our state, most faith leaders and congregants have shown great concern about the damaging effects of intimate partner violence, but have also demonstrated ambivalence as to what they can do about it. That feeling is somewhat understandable. After all, for many, tackling an issue such as this can seem daunting and beyond reach, not to mention generally discomforting to discuss. For men especially, the belief is that anyone involved with the work of raising awareness or preventing spousal abuse is automatically accusatory toward them.

The biggest step toward combating this issue is for all those concerned to speak out about it. Clergy need to publicly acknowledge that intimate partner violence within their congregations is a problem that must be addressed. They need to challenge traditional, misguided notions of masculinity and female submissiveness. Christian clergy should dispute misinterpretations of the Bible and imams should instruct their believers that spousal violence is not an acceptable tenant of their faith. Recognition that the vast majority of men do not perpetrate violence against women is needed; but we must also note that that same majority continue to allow it to occur in so many cases. Our silence is our complicity.

It’s time we talked about domestic violence in our faith communities. Using our voices isn’t as daunting as we think.

One needn’t march in the streets to make their presence known. Today, the greatest hindrance to ending domestic violence is silence. One can only imagine the boon when it’s finally broken.

For more ideas about how to break the silence in your faith community, visit providencemensproject.com or keep reading below.

How Faith Communities Can Prevent Domestic Violence Together

By Lesley A. Coghill, LLMSW - DELTA Project of Ottawa County Coordinator

Encourage Open Communication – Faith leaders can create an environment within their faith communities that allows for open dialogue and communication about sensitive issues such as domestic and sexual violence.

1. Talk about issues such as domestic and sexual violence & violence against women within your faith community.  These issues penetrate all social, ethnic, and economic barriers. These issues impact all of us as a community.
2. Having open communication about domestic and sexual violence allows us to breakdown stereotypes and myths that perpetuate such violence.
3. Being honest about these issues allows victims to feel safe in seeking help within their faith communities and helps to prevent abusive behavior from occurring.

Educate Ourselves – Knowing the facts about domestic and sexual violence will allow faith leaders and their congregations to provide appropriate response, support, and referral. Faith leaders can preach regularly about these issues and help to increase the awareness and understanding of their congregations. Other educational activities might include: arranging a poster exhibit, distributing and wearing purple or white ribbons, displaying resources and information, having the Clothesline Project or Silent Witness Project at your location, inviting a speaker to share about these issues, etc.

Establish Intolerance – Domestic and sexual violence are unacceptable and intolerable.  These crimes have no place in our community. Therefore, it is our responsibility as faith community leaders and members to establish a tone of intolerance for domestic and sexual violence within our faith communities.  We must not accept denial, minimizing, or blame as excuses for such violence.  We need to exhibit compassion and empathy for those who are victimized.  And we must take a stand to confront and interrupt sexist, demeaning, and harmful attitudes and behavior.

Infuse Primary Prevention into Ministry – We have a great opportunity in our faith communities to be proactive and to help prevent domestic and sexual violence before it occurs the first time.  Prevention efforts should involve all members of the faith community and not solely be directed at youth.  We all have a role to play in promoting and modeling healthy relationships, confronting harmful behaviors and attitudes, and promoting social change that leads to the elimination of such violence.

Ideas for infusing primary prevention into your ministry:

1. Write a sermon to share with your faith community. Go to www.ivff.org for sermon ideas. Encourage clergy and leaders in your faith community to preach about domestic and sexual violence.
2. Routinely invite a guest speaker to a worship service, adult small group/class, or youth group/bible study to explore issues of domestic violence, violence against women, and prevention, etc. Contact Lesley Coghill at 616-494-1741 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it to request a presentation.
3. Engage adult ministries in a series of discussions about men’s violence against women, sexism, and achieving equality. Men can dialogue about what men of faith can do to be a part of the solution to ending men’s violence against women (See the handout “10 Things Men Can Do To End Men’s Violence Against Women”). Visit www.acalltomen.org and www.ivff.org for more information about how men can get involved with preventing violence against women.
4. Engage youth and adults in artistic projects that explore feelings and ideas associated with prevention of violence (i.e. poster displays, music, drama, etc.) and share these within your faith community.
5. Show support during Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October by wearing white or purple ribbons (even for one week) as a congregation to increase awareness. Share one fact about the ribbon’s significance with others.
6. Publish information about domestic and sexual violence in your faith community’s weekly bulletin. Display information at your place of worship regarding domestic violence resources and services.
7. Develop a pledge campaign for men in your faith community. Organize a men’s leadership group that organizes activities that promote peaceful and violence-free relationships.
8. Train Stephens Ministers, deacons, clergy and pastoral staff, lay ministers, and other faith leaders to mentor and encourage men who are at risk for perpetrating domestic violence.
9. Have your middle school and high school youth participate in a healthy relationships curriculum. Better yet - have parents and youth ministers trained to facilitate the curriculum. Provide young people with the resources and encouragement they need in order to develop violence-free relationships and communities.
10. Men can teach boys to treat women and girls with equality and respect. Tell boys there is no excuse for disrespectful language against women. Talk with children in your life about the importance of treating others with respect. Reinforce the message that violence has no place in a relationship.